some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
