So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
