I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
is wine microwaveable?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
