Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
God I need to hump something, right now.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
