when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
