Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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