I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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