We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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