Porn is love you can see.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
