just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
