Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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