So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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