I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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