I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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