I puked a lego.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you win again, gameday.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
