why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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