I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
