I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
