In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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