$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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