I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
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