Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
