Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
