That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
