i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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