"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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