NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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