His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
