Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
