And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
