it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
