i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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