i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
