remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize