I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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