The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
