i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
