dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
