Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
