i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
