Taylor Swift is so right about you.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
