the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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