Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
