i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
