You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
