I'm gonna have a badass scar
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
