I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
