in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
