No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
