Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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