this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
