Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
