I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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