Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
