you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
